Hell yes! I'm paranoid!
If I got the chance I would most likely go for a peek!
The desire not to would just be too great!

I am feeling so up and down with emotions and more...that all I feel mostly is fed and the will to do nothing or eat!

My internet and laptop seem to not be working as they should...idk what is wrong!

I have things I need to do but I really am not in the mood for it so I guess I will just trudge on and do and then feel physically drained after!

I feel so sleepy!!! Nytol tonight...maybe?

I miss my fiance so much that I end up crying...and I'm going to town with my best friend tomorrow which should be good!

But lately I've been a little snappy and my head doesn't feel well at all!

College didn't go very well today...science was boring with all the theory work and further maths felt physically and mentally pointless and painful!!!!!

All I wanna do just by writing on here is cry coz I feel like it, not that it will make me feel any better in any way at all!

Everything seems to go from good to bad to good in a flash...it's my head feel like a whirlwind...someone stop it?!!

C
xx

I would text that person or try hinting at it in some way that doesn't attract other people's attention to it.

C
xx

I have no idea but you got me wondering so I had a look....
turned out it was: How to let go....?

C
x

Things were seeming better!
Boy was I wrong! Not a first I guess!
Feeling like all I do is keep on messing things up and bringing people down or letting people close to me down :(:(
*cries*
Doesn't know what to do anymore :(

Her name is Vickie adn she fell for something so stupid!!
She must be getting old!(inside joke)!

She thought the whole time I was in the bath and had a wash she thought I was still in my work uniform getting ready to go for a bath!! Hahaha!

LOL!!!!!

Well today hasn't been overly great.
Had pains on/off all day and I took tablets but they didn't help that much.
Wish I could think of something else to do with my day than listen to music on my ipod or be on my computer....it really sucks.
I feel like I'm gonna go insane...it's true.....you can be bored by a very repetitional day.....Although I have work 2moz...I feel very disorientated coz my day is shorted alot.
Hopes her best friend did ok on her GCSE Maths exam today.
Now I am gaining a headache from a plumber being here to try and fix our shower cables as they have burnt/snapped.

Boredom.....suggestions on what to do?

Claire
x

For once I have no clue what to write......although I have so much I wish I could say!
Well today, March 25th, it's my mum's birthday.....although she hasn't had much of a great day.
Even though I am happy to be here and not on the way back from some stupid college trip that would have made me freak out ALOT!!!
Man I have felt so depressed!
Well year number 7 over and out!

OMG!! My auntie is pregnant! Yay!! I hope it's a girl, we have way too many cousins who are boys although everyone has had a boy first....:(

I have 42 tasks of coursework....this is surreal...they can't expect you to do all this in 2-4 weeks!!
Oh thanks for nothing...my tutor has sent home another 11 pieces after getting down to 36 it has gone up to 47...that's more than what I started!!!!   *starts to freak out*
Well it is all due in this week, in 2 days time to be precise...my best friend is freaking out and I'm trying to concentrate and help but truth is she is hardly ever happy. She is always moaning or down about something. Whether it be exams, or coursework or lessons or family....I know I'm her best friend but there is only so much I can take when I am sinking further into depression and no-one knows. I try and talk to her but mostly she just puts it back on herself sometimes and says well so have I....but THAT ISN'T HELPING ME, IS IT??!!!

Wow! 2 weeks later and we have just found out that my auntie's baby didn't have a heartbeat and has to get terminated. *cries*
*hits herself* over anger for crying when my auntie is torn into pieces.
Everyone in my family has had a miscarriage before an actual child is born but they have been terminated normally.

Mum has just gone on hols to Vegas! And my auntie has been texting me and I have tried my best to comfort her and make her feel better and happy. I think I did ok. Mum said I did as she had a long chat with her sister.
She still cries over the baby she longs to have.....she even named the baby Robin in hope it was a girl.
I feel so helpless....I cry every night and since starting this entry over 6 weeks ago all I have done is cry to sleep and every morning and night I through a precious teddy at my wall and all I wanna do is keep throwing and never stopping but despite how much I do this it's not ever gonna make me feel any better..

Well mum is back from holidays and she is over the moon....sounds like she had a great time...Yay!!!
She has no idea what has been going on at home and nor will she find out....no-one knows.
My best friends and fiance have a little idea...
My parents don't realise how much they put on me....dad says make sure you two!(referring to me and my brother) do this, that and the other but my brother hardly does anything at all.
Mum has said well there isn't this is the house, why didn't anyone(looking at me) get it in for me???
All I could say is I didn't think and had alot else to do....and she says well if you went away I would have thought to get things in for you!
*cries*
It's not my fault.....if I had more help maybe I would....idk!
Dad helped doing the garden and washing...and yeah that takes awhile to do....but not to the everyday thing they get me to do...
Don't forget to get ingredients to cook
Don't forget to help cook
Don't forget to get food in
Don't forget to help clean-up the house
Don't forget to make sure my brother helps...yeah right! Him do anything he doesn't have to??? You're having a laugh...he's a lazy sod!!

AHHHH! All I wanna do is scream!! But it won't help...the problems will still be there.

My best friend has written a new blog on here about how she is feeling...which isn't great...she says she feels anger, alone etc... and she is having family problems and she comes to me for help...but fact is there is nothing I can do to help.
She goes to her boyfriend for help but he doesn't help but then again she doesn't always make it easy...one minute she wants us to be going after her when she cries...the next she just wants to be alone....if she is happy/smiling it's for a day or so and then something happens and she goes right back down to rock bottom...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She gets all moody when she is on her period I mean I know you get a little emotional every now and then...but with her it's pretty much constantly...it's like there is always something bringing her down and she lets it! She talks about it but does nothing most the time.
Well she is probably gonna read this anyways so she can see what me, her boyfriend and my fiance see her as when she is in this state of mind. Coz I don't think she realises sometimes, I may be wrong.
And if she disagrees with anything I just said then she is damn well in denial!! Coz she always is. Your boyfriend does want to help you but all you do is bite his head off coz you are constantly down nowadays and nothing anyone does heps you so all we can do is do nothing in the hope you can sort it out but it never seems to get there. You have some many mood swings it's unreal. I'm not that moody when I am on my period....you need your to sort your hormones out and I know they have been messed up coz of all the pills but you need to start especially if you go to university coz you're gonna be unbearable. I mean we only just sometimes make it through without losing our sanity.

So no matter what I do goes right down the drain later....so whats the point!
What the hell can I do???????????
Someone give me a guiding light to follow so I can sort out all this mess.
My aunt is coming round on monday to see mum so hope that will cheer her up for a little while.
My aunt reminds me of my best friend but at least she has just the one reason of being upset, my best friend has several and they shift all the time!

She seems to feel that if I'm not well or happy then she has to look after me but she does sometimes but then it swings...she helps me and not her and that makes her more down and then I have to look after her and then that makes me feel down and it goes round in a vicious circle!

*cries*

Any help is appreciated. That's if you have the time to read this long post.

C
xx

Well I eventually got to sleep about 1:30am this morning.
Then my body stupidly woke me up at 4:30am.
Argghh!
Tried and tried to get back off to sleep but couldn't so just lie in bed listening to music.
Then at 6:30am my dad got up to go to work so I got up to give him some company and me something to do.
Since my dad left for work all I have been on is my laptop, looking at e-mails, on msn, livejournal and twitter.

Now 8:39am here.....still bored....although I got some breakfast which is a rare event with me.

Still got over 2 hours until I need to leave my house for my maths exam this afternoon.

Claire
x

I've always said I want kids but not to give birth to them.
For those who are now thinking well that's the only way you can get them?! I am meaning adoption.
Although recently I was very stupid and had unprotected sex and almost got myself pregnant, luckily for the morning-after-pill.
I was supposedly meant to get side effects but havn't got any and we're 1 day along since I took it.
Well since the whole sex and pregnancy thing I have been thinking more about it and maybe giving birth to a child wouldn't be such a bad thing?

I've always been scared and rejected the thought of me going through pregnancy because of the needles you take while pregnant.
But maybe I won't have to and maybe it'll be once or twice in a 9 month period of time.
And I always wanted more than one child but just maybe I am starting to re-think to having a baby of my own.
Maybe it's worth the ittle bit of pain.

These are just thoughts I have had lately and thought to write it down coz it gets it off my chest.
I'd like to hear what other people's thoguhts are.

Claire
xxx

College has been not a very good day.
Science went ok although I got a D which was 2 marks away from a C on my previous test which isn't great but I hoped it would be better. We also did another test today which hopefully went fairly went.
ICT was faily boring and I felt very unmotivated but got some work done. Need to get a little more done in free time.
Then I had a free with my best friend and we got some ICT work done but I wanted to get some other work done too like Maths but we didn't...:(
Then double Geography. The first session was faily boring and I just got the work over and done with as we had no teacher but if I didn't do it then I would have got fed-up and bored as well as still having to do the work set. The second session was awful!!! The work he set we had already done and he went through every little bit and took ages to go through all of it and wasted a whole lesson!!
Very annoyed at the stupid Geography teacher!

:(:(:(:(

Claire
:)

I work Tuesday evenings 5-8 every week and normally it is ok but this week was just a nightmare and it was because normally I do wash-up but oh no Le wanted to do that this week and she is always slow.
So even though I wasn't doing wash-up Le and Matt still left me to do the bin run but I asked Le to put the dishwasher on before she went as there was just enough for one wash to go on.
Did she listen, nope!
So because once she got back there was even more to do she then went into a panic coz there was so much to do and kept telling me and Matt to do work! I just shouted at her and said we are! You just do your job!! You're the one that is behind!
And for the rest of work it was an awkward silence.
Only coz Le then ran around like a headless chicken, luckily we finished on time.
But she could have saved alot of stress and hassle.

Argghhh! Well at least that let out all my frustration.
Trying to not let it bother me too much she is very agrivating!

Claire
:):)

ELO are at the Anvil on May 14th!!!
Mum got me and Dad tickets to go see them!!
So excited!!
Love bonding time with my dad.

Claire
x

Well today has been a very much of a rollercoaster ride in terms of emotions.
I saw my best friend and had lots of fun.
Saw a movie, Marley and Me, it was sooo good but I cried at the end, lol!
Then I met up with another of my best friend's and went back to one of their house.
We did some work and played on the Wii, which was soooo cool!!
Had alot of fun on that and getting prizes!

I got a lift home by my best friend's dad. I think I said thank you. Well I hope I did.

Once I got home I helped mum with tea and asked about her day and she said she had some bad news but she would tell me after tea.
I was so scared and nearly cried because I thought she was gonna say someone had died.
As such someone had died, my auntie lost her baby, it didn't have a heartbeat, so technically it was never alive in the first place.
I then felt so guilty coz I felt so pleased that no-one had died.

Hoping to go to the cinema again 2moz!!
Can't wait, hope to see 17 again.

Claire
xx

It depends completely on what it is about.
Sometimes strangers coz you get to meet new people and I feel they don't judge me as much.
My family are great to talk to on certain subjects but you don't want them knowing everything, well I don't anyways.
My friends I can talk to about practically anything it's sometimes a case of that I find it hard on what to say to them so in some cases I write it down.
C
x

Well today I have been in a really happy mood.
I woke up earlier than yesterday. Mum had already gone to town, dad was at work and my brother was still in bed.
I had breakfast for once. Then I went on my laptop and wrote an evaluation in half an hour which is very quick for me so was pleased!!!
Then I went on here my wonderful livejournal. Checked e-mails etc.
Then it was lunch time so had some food. Then listened to whatever music was on my ipod, put on shuffle. Then wrote another evaluation in about an hour which again is pretty quick. Normally it takes 2/3 hours. Then listened to more music and went web searching.
I then had to get tea early so then I get ready for work and get the bus there.
Got to work on time, only 2 staff instead of 3. Bit of a shame, means we have to work quicker which can be a struggle but we had loads of fun!
Mum then painted my nails blue when I got home. They look awesome! It's kinda a light blue with a shimmer/glitter look. Going toLondon tomorrow I am soooo happy and excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I also straightened my hair, although it says it's gonna rain tomorrow!! I so hope it doesn't! :(
I am now on here writing about my day coz I have nothing else to do!
Still missing my best friends!!! I love you all!!!
Hope to see you thursday!!
So how has everyone else's day been?

Claire
x

Least look forward to: Monday/Tuesday
Most anticipate: Friday

Hi,
Well today seems to be better. I feel slightly better even though I didn't get up until late. I didn't have breakfast even though I have been trying to. I had lunch late and dinner on time. I had been snacking throughout the day and feel slightly unsettled by that fact. I have had a very unproductive day. How does everyone get the motivation to do things that need to be done?
This stupid thing won't let me add pictures, very frustrating. It's taken 10 minutes just to write down to here, although I spent 5 mins looking for a picture and then trying to upload it, does anyone know why it may not upload?
Been to alot of music lately, mostly Paramore tbh. Love them! Wish I could see them on tour but they are only in America and Canada right now which sucks a little. I have never seen them in concert, are they good?
I sooo need to get out more! But I sooo need to stay in and get work done. What do I do? I have no idea how to balance them out. I've been feeling very lazy lately.

Missing my best friends lots! Love you all!!
My hair has gone all frizzy/afro coz I had a bath and I so hate when this happens!!
Have to straighten it. :(

How does everyone cope when they have so much to do in a little space of time?
How does everyone manage to save money? If you manage to save?!

I don't see how everyone can tell you to just drop and let go of the past when Idk how to, and they reply just let it go.
I found it hard letting go!
I feel like I'm an atomic bomb counting down to when I go BANG!!

Wow!
Another long journal post. o_o
Lol! I love the little icon stuff you can make and everything, am I so lame?
I get amused by the tiniest thing.

I really wanna go on the London trip on wednesday but if I don't get some work done then mum won't help me out with paying for it. It's gonna be a great girly day out and I feel like I'm gonna miss it. Such a let down. I don't seem to have the energy/motivation to get up and do the work. Which is making me more stressed out. I'm not sure how much more stress build up I can take.

Wow! Another 10 minutes gone. Well at least I wrote more in that time slot than the last one.
I miss my old best friends. I never talk to them anymore, I never see them. I talk to them once a month if I'm lucky. I miss all the times we would go out for walks to new places or old places but very when we go. I miss all the memories.
I feel all these memories that are with me I can't let go. Coz some I want to keep while others I long to forget.
So it's all muddled up together.

Claire.... :S

Trying to think of something new to do.
Previous journal states some of it, so read if you have time.

I feel alot of confusion and anxiety.

I want to get out of this small town and go somewhere but I can't.
Coz I have college although it's Easter hols and I wanna travel but have little money.

How does everyone else save?
Any tips? Whenever I get money I spend it near enough.
I really want to start to learn how to save.

Why is everything so damn expensive???!!

Claire
:)